Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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