I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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