So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
