For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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