it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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