Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
