I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
