Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
