You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
