If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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