forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
