omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
