just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
