im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
