In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
