Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We smell like vodka and hangover
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