Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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