i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
