i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
