So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
