The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
