Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
