i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
