i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
