you would pick up someone in the library
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
