I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
