I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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