it wasn't lemon gatorade
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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