just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
