I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
