I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
