Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
