Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
