Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
