This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
