she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
