I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she told me i tasted like america
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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