I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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