Got a toothbrush?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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