Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
