who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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