My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
