I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sex in a hospital.. check
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
