My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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