i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just google imaged poop.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
