Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
