my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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