I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
