Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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