you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
