I can text with my tongue
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
