I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
