it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
