If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
