When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
